Helping Kids Cope with Strong Emotions

Teaching kids how to cope with their emotions is one of the best life skills you can give them. This is what we call emotion regulation, and you can start the moment they’re born! We created a four-step guide and recommend reading in this order:

• Naming emotions
• Noticing how emotions feel in their body
• Expressing their emotions
• Coping with their emotions

A child’s ability to understand, express and manage their emotions is a skill that develops over time, with some children mastering these skills earlier than others.

As adults, we can play a big role in teaching our kids how to cope when they experience strong emotions, like anger, sadness or panic.

How can I help my child calm down? Use COPE

So you don’t forget the steps, we’ve made it into an acronym called COPE. COPE works best when you can catch the emotion early before it gets too big and hard to control.

C - Calm body – Help the body slow down.

• Encourage your child to practice coping strategies when they’re calm. The more they practice, the better they will get at using them in moments of strong emotion.
• Deep breathing, grounding and mindfulness strategies can all be helpful in calming the body – our download has several for you to try.
• Keep in mind that taking deep breaths can help anyone during times of stress or anger, but may not fully resolve the feelings.
  • Young kids may especially benefit from a calm down space when feelings are big and hard to control. This can be a quiet area with activities or fidgets that help your child calm down (putty, coloring, etc.)
  • Tweens or teens may want to spend time alone to calm down. You can encourage them to do something to relax their mind and body, like journaling or stretching.

O - Observe thoughts and change them – Help kids notice what they’re telling themselves.

• If you hear a child muttering something, or saying out loud, “I’ll never get this right!” or other negative thoughts, you can help them challenge that thought.
  • With younger kids, you may need to help them challenge their thought by saying, “It seems like you’re frustrated that the blocks keep falling down. I like that you keep trying!”
  • For older kids, you might gently ask them if their thought is true, what could they point to that makes it likely or unlikely truth. You can also ask your child what they would say to a friend in the same situation to help brainstorm kinder thoughts.

P - Plan to do something else – Distract kids to focus on something different.

• Shift their focus by listening to music, moving their body or talking with someone to reduce their strong emotion.
  • Young kids may completely forget about whatever was ramping up their emotions.
  • Older kids may still remember, but distractions can help them come back to the problem when they are calmer.

E - Evaluate. Did the plan work?

• Once they’ve tried something, whether it’s deep breathing, a distraction or challenging some thoughts, have them check in on their big feelings.
• Are they hotter or cooler? That will help them know what is most helpful for them when they have similar feelings in the future.
• Once they are calm, you can also talk with them about what upset them and how they might respond differently the next time.

Tools to Support Kids at Different Ages

In addition to COPE, try these resources.

For help with tantrums and young children:

• Sesame Street, also consider their app Breathe, Think, Do
• Daniel Tiger
• The Mooderators
• Reading a book together
• Practicing skills together during calm moments

For elementary-aged kids:

• Download the Calming Plan below. Post it where they can see it.
• Take 5
• Thought Challenging: Bully in my Head
• Read or watch things together and discuss how those characters handle big emotions.
• Choose a code word to signal when feelings are building. That can help cue your child to calm their body.

For tweens and teens:

• Practice using the Coping Plan below or Writing Prompts.
• Give them space.
• Avoid much advice or direction.
• Encourage them to come up with their own calming plans.

When should I seek more help for kids’ strong emotions?

If your child is hurting themselves and others in their outbursts, if they are emotional more often than not or unable to calm down even after trying the strategies, contact your child’s pediatrician or a mental health professional.

If you are concerned about their or other people’s safety, take them to the nearest emergency room. You can also contact the Crisis and Suicide Lifeline by calling or texting 988.