What Causes Anger in Kids and How Parents Can Help

Anger in children is normal, but we know it can feel overwhelming for parents and caregivers. Anger is a natural emotion that helps kids show frustration, unfairness, hurt or lack of control. It can lead to challenging behaviors like tantrums, yelling, slamming doors and more.

Understanding what anger in kids looks like, and how to respond effectively and calmly, can help reduce outbursts and support healthy emotional development.

Why do kids get angry?

Let’s start with the basics. Kids are more likely to become angry when they are:

• Overtired
• Hungry
• Overwhelmed or overstimulated

This can apply to kids of all ages, from toddlers to teenagers.

Anger usually is brought on from a specific situation – feeling hurt by someone, something isn’t working out the way they want or being stuck in an unfair situation.

How should I respond to my child’s anger?

No matter the age, our response to our child’s anger can make things better—or worse. Here’s how to help cool things down.

1. Model calmness. If adults become angry and yell, anger usually escalates. Model calm behavior by taking deep breaths, talking in a low tone or even walking away if necessary (and if safe to do so).
2. Talk later, not during the outburst. When a child is feeling a strong emotion, their brain cannot think clearly.Wait until everyone is calm to talk more about it.
3. Listen and reflect. Often, the most helpful thing we can do is listen and acknowledge their emotions. Try not to jump into problem solving mode and let them share first before giving advice. For tweens and teens, ask if they WANT your advice and try to respect their answer.
4. Give consequences for behavior, not emotions. Anger itself is OK. Unsafe or inappropriate behavior is not. If consequences are needed, talk about the behavior and give advice on how to express the same feeling in a more acceptable way. Set clear ground rules about unacceptable behavior and stick to it. This applies to teens missing curfew or toddlers throwing building blocks.
5. Practice coping skills. Learning coping skills is most effective when children are calm. Encourage your child to practice coping strategies like they would practice an instrument, sport, or a subject in school. Remind them that the more they practice coping strategies, the better they will get at them.

What thoughts make anger worse?

Think of anger as teakettle on the stove. As the temperature rises, anger can boil over. Certain thoughts turn up the heat; we call these “BOOM” thoughts. Kids can learn to notice these thoughts and replace them with calmer thoughts, before they go BOOM!

Common BOOM thoughts include:

• Blaming – “He started it!”
  Kids love to pass the blame to someone else. Discourage focusing on what someone else did that was irritating or unfair. “I know that seems unfair, but that doesn't mean they were trying to hurt your feelings.” When your child does take responsibility for their actions, give them lots of attention and praise to encourage them to do it more often. Specific praise for a desired behavior (such as, “Thank you for telling me you broke it before I asked” versus “thank you”) helps kids understand what behavior is desired.
  
  
• Overstating – “She ALWAYS ruins EVERYthing!”
  While it’s normal to get angry sometimes, encourage kids to think about the statements we tell ourselves and others. Does your sister really always take your favorite shirt, or does she sometimes ask first? Praise them for being more specific. “She took my favorite shirt without asking and it made me really angry,” is a much better phrase than “She always ruins everything.”
  
  
• Overthinking – “The spinning mind.”
  Even if kids aren’t talking, you may notice the wheels turning in their head. Gently ask if they are thinking about something that’s angering them and if they want to talk about it or if they’d rather move their thoughts to something else. Distractions, like playing with a fidget, taking a walk, watching a short relaxation video clip or doing an activity, can help them move on.
  
  
• Misreading – “They said I didn’t understand because they think I’m stupid!”
  We all jump to conclusions sometimes. Rather than thinking we know why someone did something hurtful, we can ask (if it’s safe to do so) why. Encourage your child to use “I” statements in discussing their own feelings, like “I felt mad when you said I didn’t understand. Can you tell me what you meant when you said that?”. You can encourage your child to explain the facts of the situation and identify the emotion they felt, such as “When they said I did not understand, I felt angry because I thought you were calling me stupid.”

When should I start talking to my kids about anger?

Even young children feel anger, so it’s never too early to start. Try to talk about anger during calm moments, not during an outburst. Quiet times are ideal for discussing common triggers and the thoughts that come up.

For kids over 8, you can begin talking more directly about BOOM thoughts and help them practice challenging those thoughts when they notice them.

Use the conversation starters and anger thermometer below to help guide calm, supportive conversations about anger.

What should I do if I’m concerned about my child’s anger?

If your child is hurting themselves and others, if they are angry more often than not or unable to calm down even after trying these strategies, contact your child’s pediatrician or a mental health professional.

If you are concerned about their or other people’s safety, take them to the nearest emergency room. You can also contact the Crisis and Suicide Lifeline by calling or texting 988.

Anger is going to happen, but you can help reduce the explosive BOOMs by staying calm, being proactive in helping children learn and practice coping strategies and praising the behaviors you want to see.

Recommended Reading

We like the following books about anger. Check with your local library for more ideas:

• Amaya's Anger by Gabi Garcia
• I Am Stronger Than Anger by Elizabeth Cole
• Calm Your Roar Like a Dinosaur – How to Relax Muscle by Muscle by Colleen A Patterson and Brenda S. Miles
• My Body Sends a Signal by Natalia Maguire
• B is for Breathe: The ABCs of Coping with Fussy and Frustrating Feelings by Melissa Boyd
• I'm Not Mad! A book for kids who aren't angry (at all) by Anton Shcherbakov and Rebecca Schulman
• Roaring Mad Riley – An anger management Story for Kids by Allison Szczecinski
• My Anger by Isabelle Filliozat and Virginie Limousin
• Angry Octopus: A relaxation story by Lori Lite

Workbooks:

• What to Do When Your Temper Flares by Dawn Huebner
• Anger Management Workbook for Kids by Samantha Snowden
• Zero to 60: A Teen’s Guide to Manage Frustration, Anger, and Everyday Irritations by Michael Tompkins (ages 13-18)